My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize