It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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