I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize