Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
