it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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