I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
