My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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