I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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