a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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