watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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