I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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