When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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