That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
