I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
