My balls are so social today.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
