I bet he comes in French.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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