You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
