You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
