You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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