Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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