I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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