Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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