I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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