i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
