Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
