all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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