my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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