I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
