this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
