Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
