I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
