Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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