She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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