I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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