who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
