K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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