My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize