went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
