My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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