You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
