Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
