so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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