I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
