im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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