so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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