rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
