i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
