I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
