yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
