The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
