Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
