Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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