I CAN MOONWALK!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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