I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
