Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
