So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
