Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
