I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
