dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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