hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
