they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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