and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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