woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
