Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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