Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
